Lizard time, titty bears, and mosquito gates

A year or so ago my native Spanish speaking husband told me he needed a little lizard time.  I really had no idea what he was talking about until he clarified with, "you know, when you just lie around and do nothing...like a lizard."  He really was certain he had heard people talking about lizard time activities.  It must be the thick accent down here.  Pen turns into pin, ten to tin, sure to show, and leisure to lizard.  Oddly enough, he actually has an easier time understanding the native southerners than I do, but there have been a couple times he was completely off base.

My favorite involved a skit he had to do at one of those team building workshops. Each group was given a few objects around which they would create their drama.  Papi's group received, as he told me, a Kleenex, a piece of paper, and a titty bear.

A titty bear? I asked him, un oso con chichis? (yeah, maybe you didn't know that the faux Mexican restaurant Chichis was really called Hooters, but it is true, you have been eating salsa at a place called Titties).

No, a titty bear, a TITTY bear, he insisted.

Papi, it is a TEDDY bear.

Oh, its a good thing I didn't have to say that word in the skit!

This morning on my way out of the house, I reminded him to let the dogs outside.  He asked me, did you  close the mosquito gate. 

¿The what?

The mosquito gate.  You know, the door that keeps out the mosquitos.

"Incarceration is, in and or itself, punishment."

"Incarceration is, in and or itself, punishment." - Philosophy of the Brooks County Jail from the Brooks County Sheriff's Office site.

Whether this is a typo or some hybrid malapropism,  the idea also seems to be redundant.  But you are probably wondering why I was reading the BC Sheriff's Office site.  I just wanted to check to see if  the dress code was listed on the site.  Last week the Quitman Free Times ran the dress code and provided me with ample reading material to amuse ( as in we laughed until tears came) my coworkers Sra. D. & Mme. G. 

More curious than the dress code was this tidbit highlighted in red:

The following restrictions should be considered when sending mail to the jail. Correspondence that does not conform to these restrictions will be returned to sender or placed in the inmates property.

Social occasion cards, (i.e. birthday, Christmas) cannot exceed 6x8 inches in size. Cards that contain mechanical devices, such as musical cards, are not allowed.

Photographs cannot exceed 4x6 inches in size. (No Polaroids are allowed)

No envelopes, stamps, paper, pens or pencils.

No personal or payroll checks.

No food items.

No nude or suggestive items.

No stickers or other gummed labels.

No jewelry.

No magazines.

No books.

No item larger than 8x10 inches in size.

No heavy crayon, ink, watercolor, painted, glittered or glued items.

No clothing or cloth material.

No gang related writings, drawings or photos.

Any item that contains bodily fluids will be destroyed upon arrival.

No items scented with cologne or perfumes.

...kind of boggles the mind.